Laugh-Lines with Letterman, Leno & O'Brien

Sunday July 13th, 2008

with
Letterman, Leno & O'Brien

David Letterman

Ich Bin ein Berliner’

Aired Thursday night on CBS:

Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now: they have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Oh my God, yeah, but now listen, seriously, don’t think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no, no, no, there is still a strict 15-minute waiting period.
But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium, and court Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down.

And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some bird shot.

And, oh, hey, how about the Presidential campaign? Are you excited about that we get a President at the end of the thing?

Yeah, the primary season seemed a little long to me. Did it seem a little long to you? And now we go through the conventions and then the campaign and the general election, which is, let me see, yeah, it’s still seven years away. If it were held tomorrow, how many folks would vote for John McCain tomorrow, would vote for John McCain? How many of you would vote for Barack Obama? Well, it’s interesting. We’re learning more and more about both candidates. For example, John McCain doesn’t work on weekends. Doesn’t work on weekends — he spends his time at his ranch, the “Casa Varicosa.”

But John McCain, here’s what he likes to do on the weekends: he sits on the porch out in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates.

But, oh, on this day in 1963, J.F.K. was in Germany and he said, “Ich bin ein Berliner.” Do you remember that? Do you remember seeing about it? Do you remember hearing about it? “Ich bin ein Berliner” — “I am a Berliner.” And, you know, I’m thinking about it, now, it would be nice if we had a President that could speak English.

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Jay Leno

‘Some Pretty Nasty Things About Barack’

Aired Thursday night on NBC:

You know, with gas prices approaching $5 a gallon here in California, a lot of people are starting to use bicycles as transportation. In fact, coming in today, I saw Jesse Jackson backpedaling all the way.
Well, if you haven’t heard by now, on Fox News the other day, during an interview, Jesse Jackson, not realizing the mic was open, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama.
Jackson made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Here’s my question. Why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on, right?
Jesse said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him but to his former mistress and their love child.
But I don’t think Jesse learned his lesson, because today, he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain’s Medicare.
McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former Senator Phil Gramm, who called America “a nation of whiners” and said the country is only in a “mental recession.” Like the $5-a-gallon gas and the bank kicking you out of your house: that’s all in your mind! You’re just imagining that!

This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things are going so well. We had this big love fest going. All this does is ruin it.

And for the first time in American history, Congress’ approval rating has fallen to just 9 percent. To give you an idea how bad that is, the oil companies are at 12 percent.

And a Florida man is doing O.K. after being bitten by a rattlesnake while shopping at a Wal-Mart. Officials aren’t sure where the rattlesnake came from. I don’t know. Since it’s Wal-Mart, maybe China! Possibly?

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Conan O'Brien

‘Hillary Rocks’

Aired Friday night on NBC: Today’s New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies.

Last night, Hillary Clinton appeared at a fundraiser with Barack Obama and Obama told the crowd that Hillary rocks. Then Bill Clinton said the same thing — but he was talking about Hillary Duff.

In Atlanta, the highway department is getting rid of signs that say “Men at Work” because they’re politically incorrect. The new signs say “Men and Women-Who-Look-Like-Men at Work.”

The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, “McDachsunds.”

In Scotland, a strip club is featuring a stripper who is 75 years-old. You can tell she’s 75 because her highlands are down by her lowlands.

South Carolina’s office of tourism has canceled a campaign to attract more gay tourists. As a result, for the 30th year in a row, North Carolina is the gayest Carolina.

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/

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