Tales from the Studio
        
From Corey Deitz,
Your Guide to Radio.
About.com
Jun 27 2008

Callers from Hell
Being the Radio Guide for About.com is not actually my full-time job, although many probably think it is. I also co-host a morning show Monday through Friday and have been in commercial radio for a long time.
It’s been a while since I penned a piece based on an "inside" perspective so I thought I would write about callers.

People who call radio stations and radio shows are a unique breed. I don’t know what percentage of the audience actually ever dials up a DJ or air-personality, but anecdotally, I’ve always been told by consultants and Program Directors that it is a very small percentage. So small, in fact, that it is somewhat unreliable for basing any kind of programming decision on.

Be that as it may, we get plenty of calls. Most of the calls we receive don’t get on-the-air for a host of reasons – mostly because they are not entertaining.

Well, let me clarify that: most of the calls we record during songs or commercials don’t get on-the-air. When we switch to live call-mode - which is like playing Audio Russian Roulette – then all bets are off. (Thank goodness for our 8-second delay.)

So, who are these Callers from Hell? I will try and describe the basic types and if you recognize yourself in any of then, don’t be offended – be amused.

Johnny Come Latelys – These folks have tuned in right in the middle of or at the end of something interesting and want us to fill them in on everything they missed. This is generally impossible since morning radio programs are streams of thought that keep going forward. The people on-the-air usually don’t have time to do this – and some listeners just don’t get why.

Repeaters – This is actually a funny phenomenon which I first noticed years ago. I don’t know why, but callers in general will always repeat whatever they called to tell you. They state it once, you react in some way, the conversation continues, and inevitably they will state it again. It’s not really annoying as much as it’s just curious. In our studio, one of us usually holds up two fingers upon the repeat because we still find it amusing.

Info Nymphos – Instead of too much sex, they can’t seem to get enough information. Well, that’s all well and good but radio shows and radio stations really aren’t search engines. Yet, some people think we should know everything. We try and do the best we can but when I have to go to a phone book or Google to find something for someone then it’s a sure bet they probably should be taking time to do this them self.

Rimshot Rejects – They call and are sure they have something funny to say. If we don’t react by laughing because it’s either not really amusing or the punch line is lame, you can sense they get upset and leave wondering what’s wrong with US. These are probably the same people who tell jokes at parties – with much the same reaction.

Phantom Dialers – You’d be surprised how often somebody puts their cellphone on autodial and then sets it down on the seat of their car.
Our number is often busy so I guess it’s not a bad strategy. But, what usually happens is when the number does connect, they’ve already become distracted and we wind up just listening to their private conversation or interior car noises. We’ll scream into the phone trying to get their attention but it’s usually pointless.

Just Insane – A small circle of people whirl around out in listener-land who are just plain nuts. There is no other rational explanation. Some of them call and mumble in what only can be some alien language, others call with thoughts that couldn’t be connected together with all the "Mighty Putty" in the world.

Then, there are people like "Paul". He’s one of our callers – even though he doesn’t listen to us anymore. He called this morning to ask us if we had gotten "the message". What message? Oh: he was now listening to "Country". Why was he calling us? Apparently, the DJ at the Country station wasn’t answering the phone. (Do you blame him?)

How about the ones who call in to whatever kind of station you are working at (all news, country, etc) between 10pm-1am and ask you play something from AC/DC?

How about the Programmers who believe 'phone calls' mean the jock's entertaining. Cuz, you know, people don't have lives anymore, right?

i find the majority are made up of the kid caller.. who always start with the mispronounced, "Ki-quest a song?" ..then it usualy naturally parlays into the, "its REALLY important!" Then off phone mic "--what do you guys wanna hear?" or if you reply with a "sure" (cause it just easier to get them off the phone then) they tell you a song you just played and when you explain that they say "oh, ok, well how about.....?" wait, i thought the first song was REALLY important? lol!!

Forgot....

Then when they call you every 15 minutes to ask you why you didn't play their song, you have to end up lying and telling them you DID play their song just to get rid of them.

And how about the forerunner to online dating - when your radio groupies call you.  I remember many jocks arranging after work meetings with their female groupies who called in every night.

How about ignoring them all... all the time. This would be an opportunity to prepare something of value for the next set.

This strategy, by the way, was a condition of my employment. "If you want callers on the air, you've got the wrong guy as I suffer fools very, very badly."

Or, do something so engaging...so interesting...something completely captivating...that the large percentage who don't normally call, feel compelled to call.

  

That's fine, FRED, so long as you don't start answering the "You're so wonderful" calls.

There was a guy named Gil who lived out on Matsqui Prairie. When I was doing all nights at CFVR (from CHWK), he'd call almost every morning around 4:15 or so to tell the jock a dirty joke and then want to chat for a little bit. He was probably about the only guy listening to the station at that hour. Seemed like a nice old guy and probably was just lonely as he was on his own.

-OR60-

What about those who phone and debate the music the station is playing with you. Typically an older guy, who wonders why Ray Orbison isn't on the station playlist, or why Electric Light Orchestra isn't played more often. Since, "they were 20 years ahead of their time".

Putting callers on the air or, for that matter, answering the phones at all can be an enormous waste of time with limited returns to the rest of an audience.

Weeding out the chaff for a quality caller is a mug's game suitable for those with little else better to do.

One of the benefits of working the Majors was the insulation provided. Getting through to the CR was not that easy, particularly since the "Request Line" was there only as a promotional element and was a cynical offering, at best. The constantly flashing phone line became something easily ignored.

Clearly, indeed, Peter.

That gang has given up on any attempts to offer meaningful and ongoing communications to an audience a long time ago.

Instead, they attempt - successfully - to promulgate manipulative, insincere, inaccurate, cookie-cutter elements as alternatives.

Anything, for that matter, that can be accomplished without the active participation of skilled communicators - throwing callers on-the-air being one of them.

These practices are so ingrained as to leave the last generation of broadcasters so imbued with them that they never even question the idea there might be - or were - other paradigms of broadcast communications.

The strategy has been about a.) control, b.) short-term returns and, c.) ease-of-implementation.

Not much room there for hair-triggered, creative Talent.

Back when boss jock radio was king at the likes of WLS, CFUN, LG/73.  i used to love when they played the pre-recorded listener over the intro of the song they were calling to hear...the true professional always hit the POST.  

Back at my first stomping grounds (Cariboo Radio in Quesnel), those who played requests used to keep a binder with the date/hour/name of song to ensure the same ones weren't being played over and over.  Agreed 5% of the listeners made 95% of the requests for the SAME SONG.  We had one jock who would answer the phone for a request, tell the caller "We'll see what we can do", then the moment he hung up yell "F--- Off" at the phone.  Needless to say he didn't have much use for our request binder!!!

At the risk of sounding callous and mean-spirited, the all-time worst request phoners are the ones that wish for a song to be played for a dead guy.

Buddy drove his car off a bridge exactly __ years ago today, so a long blubbering phoner relevant only to those who knew him and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" must be in order.

As bewildered as I am by the callers who actually think these requests (and subsequent scripted dedications) are actually appropriate for a radio show, I'm even more chagrined by the number of shows that will actually air them.

As someone who does a drive show in a top 40 format... callers can be a real pain in the butt... considering I'm trying to prepare meaningful content for the next break.

Now that summers here it will be torturous with the sheer amount of kids and thier prank calling, and shreiking and giggling, while my finger hovers over the drop button.  Nothing worse than watching the timer count down on the song while some brat goes ummmm ummmmm ummmm.

However, I like to use my callers as a promotional tool, to include in station promotions, to deliver artist and entertainment info.  That way I get the calls on the air, and I get to entertain the majority of the audience that doesn't give a tiny rats ass that a listener is on the air.