Only government could make radio this boring Robert Remington
Calgary Herald
Friday, February 22, 2008
It should come as no surprise that the dullest station on the local radio dial is run by the government, and we're not referring here to the
CBC.
In what may be called the height of monotony, the City of Calgary has launched a new traffic radio station at
106.5 FM. It's not much different from the old traffic station the city ran as a test project in south Calgary at 97.5 FM, except that it is now available citywide and the computer-generated female voice has been replaced by that of a male.
At a cost of $100,000 a year -- or roughly the amount of money collected in property taxes from 50 average Calgary homeowners -- the station features a robotic voice lulling motorists to sleep with information on road repairs, lane closures, traffic tie-ups and collisions.
The computer-generated male host -- let's call him Chip, as in micro -- is an improvement on the computerized female voice previously used, which was akin to that of a pull-string doll. Except for a telltale waver similar to that of someone experiencing on-air nervousness, Chip sounds almost real.
Dreadfully dull, mind you, but then when did we ever expect anyone in government to have personality?
While the concept is a laudable attempt at providing commuters with the latest traffic information, only government could come up with something as wasteful and unnecessary as its own traffic radio station. Calgary's competitive radio market has been doing a better job of it for years, and in a far more entertaining fashion.
Last year, for instance, when a busload of prisoners en route to the courthouse got into a morning rush-hour accident, radio traffic reporters gleefully unleashed an avalanche of puns about "tie-ups" in the area and motorists being "handcuffed" trying to get to work.
"It's a good thing they didn't hit a cement truck or there would have been a lot of hardened criminals in the area," one clever morning host said at the time.
While it's true that private radio garners much of its information from city sources, is there really any need for the city to scoop other stations out there in radio-land?
Competitive local stations have traffic updates every 10 minutes, all at varying times. By flipping between pre-set stations, motorists can practically get a running traffic commentary any rush hour.
Thanks to tips from listeners, private radio also alerts motorists to speed traps, errant sheets of plywood that have fallen off trucks and warnings on the latest monster potholes.
On Tuesday, the first day of the city's new service, a private station passed along a tip about a woman who was screaming at her teenage son in the middle of Crowchild after he called her to help him with his stalled car.
Private stations also use helicopters to advise motorists on traffic flows.
During Thursday evening's rush hour, reporters in choppers advised motorists of alternate routes to avoid a collision in the south, while cyber-Chip was simply giving us the location.
Unlike Chip, real humans can also ease road rage with an occasional sense of humour.
Don McSweeney, the former
CBC radio traffic guy, used to refer to Deerfoot as "a parking lot," and I believe he coined the term "the Glenmore Squeeze" for the notorious lane reduction around Glenmore reservoir.
The City Hall traffic station has no personality whatsoever. For our $100,000, the least they could do is give us
WKRP in Cincinnati's
Johnny Fever and
Venus Flytrap, or maybe
Venus Speedtrap.
Fat chance. For that, you'll have to turn to the entertaining radio pros elsewhere on the dial.
rremington@theherald.canwest.com© The Calgary Herald 2008
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